Odds and Ends
by n33n
Summary: Enter Sirius: Sirius scratched his bum rather loudly, a habit he had acquired over the years that, oddly enough, helped him think and remember things. And James: “Is it contagious? I have a feeling I got it from you…” [DONE] SEQUEL COMING.
1. Chapter 1

**Odds and Ends **

By: neen

* * *

Yeah, not much of a Lily/James interaction thing. That's for **Bits and Pieces**, which I've really enjoyed writing! However, many issues will be dealt with here that are about her. It's supposed to be funny, but I dunno. This is more of a Marauders snapshot thing. Personally, I think **Bits and Pieces** is a bit better. AHEM. That is very blatant advertising to go read the thing. **BITS AND PIECES!** It currently has two parts to it…but I'm definitely adding more. Haha, thanks for suffering through that! Enjoy!

* * *

James stormed into the Gryffindor Common Room, looking extremely livid. His right hand was curled into a fist, knuckles tight with fury, and his currently dark brown eyes scanned the nearly empty room for his unsuspecting victim of the moment. The right eye was nearly bulging out when he finally saw his target.

Sirius grinned at the sight of James and motioned for him to come over, oblivious to the murderous aura James was giving off.

Ohh, James _did_ go over, mind you.

He landed a hard blow, knocking Sirius's head sideways. "YEEEEEEOWWWWW!"

"Oy! What the bloody hell was that for, James?" Sirius protested wildly, trying to hide himself beneath the forest green pillow cushion he was using as a shield. "What are you _on_? I'm **Sirius**!"

James continued to throw punches at a highly perplexed Sirius, not bothering to talk to him.

"You ruddy stag! I'm your _best_ friend, mate! What are you trying to do, kill me?" Sirius asked angrily, trying to block James's blows.

"You."

"YES, IT'S **ME**! Stop, James! C'mon, be reasonable! Ow!"

"Like."

"Really now, are Caramel Centered Chocolates really worth fighting over? I'll give you some ruddy chocolates, just stop! _Damn_, that hurt!"

"_Lily_."

"Like the bloody hell I do—wait, **what**?" Sirius looked amazed, and James finally stopped punching him. "What did you _just _say?"

"You like _Lily_. You know, the girl that **might **be the ideal one for me? The girl that I've crushed on—been infatuated with—_obsessed_ with for nearly four years? My best friend! I can't believe this is happening!" James exploded with anger, his frame shaking crazily.

Sirius looked simply bewildered. "What the bloody hell are you talking about, James? I have no idea that I liked Lily! Wait! I mean—I don't! I don't fancy her a bit. Well, she's hot, yes, and if you didn't like her, I would probably have a go at her, but no, I don't fancy her as of now."

James stared at Sirius, who was looking particularly vulnerable and honest (for once).

He stood Sirius up and landed a hard thump to Sirius's stomach.

"Ooooooffff!"

James let go of Sirius and allowed him to sink into the squishy armchair.

"Merlin! What was _that_ for? I DON'T LIKE THE BLOODY GIRL!" Sirius whined loudly, rubbing his various forming bruises and sores.

James shrugged, then looked truly apologetic. "I had to release the rest of my anger. Sorry, mate."

Sirius grumbled a bit before grudgingly accepting James's apology. "S'all right. Just don't do that again. That bloody hurt! It was like really, **_really_** dry poo that's been sitting inside for like four days coming out of your an—"

"—You can stop right there, Padfoot. Too much information," James bluntly interrupted, looking highly harassed.

"Just saying, Prongs," Sirius pouted, still rubbing at his sore spots. "Had to make things _clear_ as pee in case you decide to use me as a punching bag again."

An awkward silence passed between the two.

"So," Sirius began eloquently, "Why'd you think that I liked Evans in the first place?"

"I dunno."

"So, you just basically started randomly picking me out and punching the hell out of me?"

"Basically."

"Ah, I see."

"Yep."

"So."

"Mmm hmm."

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU HIT ME, PRONGS? WHAT IS MY FAN CLUB—SIRIUSLY IN LOVE—GOING TO DO WHEN THEY FIND OUT I'VE BEEN ATTACKED BY SOME MADMAN OF A FRIEND?" Sirius bellowed out in a panicked tone.

James shrugged again. "Oh. I dunno."

Sirius threw James a sour look. "I can't believe I got beat up for no good reason."

"Well," James said, trying to defend himself, "you did look awfully close to Evans this morning!"

"I was sitting sixteen seats down from her at breakfast this morn! How is _that_ close?" Sirius said indignantly.

"No, no. I meant when you were walking into the Great Hall. You were nearly touching shoulders with her," James clarified.

Sirius scratched his bum rather loudly, a habit he had acquired over the years that, oddly enough, helped him think and remember things. "Hmm. I don't recall that—oh, yes! I was attempting to sniff her hair because _you_ asked what type of shampoo she had used since there was this _unexplained_ fragrance _emitting _from her, if you will! _As if_! I couldn't smell this indescribable, ecstatically lovely fragrance you so passionately tried to describe. It seemed quite like apples to me."

"No, I swear it on my life! It wasn't just apples. It was something different. Something so sweet and exotic and mixed with the best scents in the world…I smelt it again in Potions, but I didn't sit near her today since dear Professor Slughorn made me seat near the Potions today. Drat that old man," James muttered, slightly ticked off.

"Whatever you say, Prongsie dearest," Sirius said in a sing-song voice. "I think you have a strong case of dementia."

"What's that?" James shot Sirius a confused look.

"Oh, just insanity," Sirius offered cheerfully.

"Thanks," James said sourly.

Another awkward silence ensued.

"I can't take this anymore. Write this bloke, all right?" Sirius said to James, scribbling on a piece of parchment with a quill that just suddenly appeared. "Francesca Palooni. It'll do you some good."

James stared at Sirius. "Bloke? _Francesca_?"

Sirius nodded eagerly. "Well, yeah. What's so bad about it?"

"Francesca's a girl's name."

"Oh, but Francesca is definitely a guy," Sirius declared.

James looked at him suspiciously. "And you would know, because?"

"Because, _Prongsie_, I've talked to him before," Sirius explained as if it were a natural thing to say.

"Wait, isn't Francesca some type of psychiatrist shrink thingie that I somehow know about even though I'm not muggle?" James asked, perplexed.

"Yep."

"So you went to see someone about mental problems of yours?"

"Yep."

"Oh. That's good, I s'ppose."

"Yep. Where'd you think I got the term 'dementia' from?"

"Oh."

"Yep."

"So, you're basically saying that I have dementia too."

"Yep."

"Is it contagious? I have a feeling I got it from you…"

"I dunno. Better ask Frannie about it," Sirius said, looking rather grave.

"Can he teach me how to make Lily like me?" James asked, looking hopeful.

"Er. Give it a try, ol' Prongs," Sirius said, and encouraged him with a slap on the back.

"Okay. Hey, where'd you get that parchment anyways?"

"Close your eyes. Count to five, and say "I need some happy bunnies" under your breath," Sirius instructed.

James obediently closed his eyes, and muttered "I need some happy bunnies" and counted to five. He opened his eyes to find—nothing.

"What the bloody hell?"

Sirius chuckled. "Sorry. I lied! Couldn't resist myself. Here, Prongsie!"

Sirius handed an exasperated James a stack of parchment.

"Thanks, Pad. That was simply hilarious," James said sarcastically, and lunged for the parchment.

Taking Sirius's quill, he began the letter, "_Francesca Pahlooney—"_

"No, no," Sirius interrupted, as he was looking over James's shoulder. "Francesca likes being called Frannie. He'll get pissed off if you write Francesca out. _And_, you spelled his last name wrong. It's Palooni. Like macaroni."

"Fine."

"_Frannie Palooni—"_

"No, no. Frannie doesn't like people using his last name. Take off 'Palooni,' Sirius ordered.

"Oh."

"_Frannie—"_

"No, no. Actually, Frannie doesn't like to be called 'Frannie' at all. Frannie likes to be addressed as 'Bembles'," Sirius said, intervening for the third time.

"Bembles?"

"Yes, Bembles, Prongsie dearest."

"_Bembles—"_

"No, no. Since today's not a weekday, Bembles likes to be called Francesca Palooni."

"PADFOOT, JUST WRITE IT FOR ME," James shouted, finally fed up.

"You great pillock. This is what I get for trying to help you. Ungrateful prat," Sirius said lovingly and grabbed a piece of parchment.

"_Francesco Palooni—"_

"I thought you said his name was Francesc**a**?" James inquired, squinting at the messy scrawl Sirius had plastered onto the parchment.

"It _does_ say Frances**a**," Sirius insisted. Then looking around, quickly shouted, "_Oh, _look! A great bodger!"

"Eh, what?" James looked around wildly, trying to find this 'bodger'.

Sirius hastily put a tail onto the 'o', and made it an 'a'. "Nah, you just missed it, Prongs. Tough luck."

"Oh. But like I was saying, that does _not_ look like an 'a'—" James said, pointing at the parchment, only to find a distinct 'a'.

He paused and then rubbed his eyes. "This Evans business is really getting to me."

"S'all right. Bembles will help," Sirius said, trying to cheer up James.

"You mean Francesca Palooni, right?"

"Right."

* * *

Author's Note:

Sorry for the abrupt cutting off, but this was getting a tad long. Actually, it's not really that long, but I felt like saving the letter for another part.

And if this didn't satisfy you, go read **Bits and Pieces**.

It's loads better. Funnier, anyways.

I think.

Oh, good news. I don't think I failed my chem exam.

Bad news. I think I failed my precal exam. Joy.

Cheer me up?

Review please!


	2. Chapter 2

**Odds and Ends **

By: neen

* * *

Yeah, not much of a Lily/James interaction thing. That's for **Bits and Pieces**, which I've really enjoyed writing! However, many issues will be dealt with here that are about her. It's supposed to be funny, but I dunno. This is more of a Marauders snapshot thing. Personally, I think **Bits and Pieces** is a bit better. AHEM. That is very blatant advertising to go read the thing. **BITS AND PIECES!** Haha, thanks for suffering through that! Enjoy!

* * *

**PART TWO

* * *

**

With a large flourish, Sirius handed the finished letter to James with a bright beam on his handsome face. "There, Jamie!"

James read it with great dread.

"_The very hott and delectable Francesca Palooni,_

_I LOVE LILY EVANS. I like to know what type of shampoo she uses so I chucked my dashingly good looking and devily awesome mate, Sirius Black, one of your daily, devoted correspondents, at her. I must admit, dear Sirius's muscles are quite defined and sexy. Have I mentioned his _**FINE** _buttocks yet? They're so incredibly firm. Ahhh. I want to run my fingers all over his very yummy bod. In fact, I think I'm going to do that right now. Ta ta for now, you sexy hunkadory. _

_I love you, Bembles!_

_Kisses,_

_Jamie-poo dearest._"

James emitted a large groan.

"**What**?" Sirius asked, looking annoyed at James's reaction.

"This," James began, shaking the letter, looking marvelously pissed off, "is what I get for letting you write my letter for me! I can only thank Merlin that you didn't send it off already!"

Sirius pouted. "Oh, but I write such _lovely_ letters! What in Merlin's thick, bushy beard are you talking about?"

James rolled his eyes. "You make me sound gay, Padfoot. All rainbows and butterflies."

Sirius looked puzzled at James's last comment. "Rainbows and butterflies? But those are so pretty! I mean, _all _the colors at the same time? Floaty cute little buggies? Adorable!"

"And my point is proven," James said and sank back further in his armchair, looking satisfied.

"I'm not even going to ask," Sirius said loudly, throwing an odd look at James, and slowly inching away from him as he did so. "You probably just admitted that you're homosexual, and since I'm in the one foot radius, I'm susceptible to you throwing all your energy of love towards me. Which would be terrifying, so I'd be in your debt if you didn't do that…"

"One foot radius? _Energy of love_?" James asked, giving Sirius a questioning look. "What are you _on_?"

"The one foot radius!" Sirius repeated, an insistent look on his face. He moved away from James and called out, "If one of the two people standing in the one foot radius circle has a strong attraction for the other, the first-mentioned person is 98.6 sure to do some very naughty and mind-disturbing stuff to the other person."

James snorted in disbelief. "That's _nonsense_, Padfoot! I've been pretty close around Lily loads of times, and I've restrained myself from doing unmentionable things to her!"

"Yes. There's a reason why."

James looked at him curiously. "And what reason is this, Paddy?"

Sirius looked very solemn as he said these next words. "You don't really love her."

James rolled his eyes. "If I don't love her, who **do** I love?"

Sirius gulped and swallowed very slowly before saying in a very quiet voice, "Me."

James nearly choked on his own spit. "_WHAT_? That's ridiculous, Padfoot! You're just joking with me, right? Har, har?"

Sirius did not say anything. He merely stared at the ground, examining the carpet floral design very closely.

James's eyes bulged. "Sirius, that's **stupid**. I don't like you like _that_! You know that, right?"

Sirius still did not peep a single word.

James started panicking. "That's not right, Sirius! This one-foot radius circle crap of yours is wrong! Did I do _anything_ to you the last time we were this close? _No_!"

Sirius slowly nodded. "Yeah. You did."

"WHAT!"

"You hugged me. Quite tightly, I might add," Sirius said, looking a bit uneasy. "A very non guy-to-guy type hug. It was a very I'm-in-love-with-you-because-you're-just-too-damn-sexy-type hug."

"_That,_" James furiously tried to explain, "was because you looked like your fricking dog just snuffed it!"

Sirius began to emit loud, high-pitched wailings. "Gingermelon dying was bad enough! Then you had to make things worse and embrace me in a non-Marauder way! It's was a traumatic day, I must say!"

"Who's Gingermelon?" James asked, looking curiously at Sirius.

"That's beside the point," Sirius said hastily, "The _point_ is that you physically harassed me so much that I cannot bear to stand in the same one-foot radius as you, making the One-Foot Radius Circle Theory true."

"There _is_ no One-Foot Radius Circle Theory!" James cried out in exasperation.

"Yes there is!" Sirius insisted.

"Since _when_?"

Sirius unraveled a long scroll of parchment. "Sexy Sirius Bloody Black's Many Lovely, Lingering Laws and Tried, Tested, and True Theories: #1953/One-Foot Radius Circle Theory: 'If one of the two people standing in the one foot radius circle has a strong attraction for the other, the first-mentioned person is 98.6 sure to do some very naughty and mind-disturbing stuff to the other person.' Added today."

James rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Are you going to help me with this letter or not?"

"I might. But only if I get to stay—_this_—far away from you," Sirius said, looking frightened as he motioned at the far distance between the two Marauders.

"Fine," James said, looking cross.

"_Francesca Palooni--_," James wrote down and said aloud for Sirius's benefit.

Sirius nodded, looking important. "It's a good start, Prongs. Nice job. Actually, maybe you should use a comma instead of those dash-dash-dash lines."

James sighed, scratching out the line and making a squiggly that obviously represented a comma. "What next?"

"What? I can't hear you," Sirius called out to him.

"WHAT NEXT?"

"Um, go on about how you nick Lily's knickers and snog them senseless underneath the security of the covers of your bed and make those obscene sounds also known as love moans," Sirius suggested, not noticing the entrance of another person.

"Say it louder! You're too far away."

"TELL MR. BEMBLES HOW YOU NICK LILY EVANS'S KNICKERS AND SNOG THEM SENSELESS UNDERNEATH THE SECURITY OF THE COVERS OF YOUR BED AND MAKES THOSE OBSCENE SOUNDS ALSO KNOWN AS LOVE MOANS!" Sirius repeated quite accurately.

"Oh, oka—_BUGGER_!" James cursed loudly as his eyes widened at the new incomer.

"What, Prongsie?" Sirius asked smirking as James mouthed at him to shut his mouth up. "Need me to tell more about how you tried to French Evans's shoe that one nigh—_oh_. _BUGGER_!" Sirius paled as his smirk faded off. Cursing loudly, he hid behind the old armchair for protection. James was still standing up as he was in the center of the room and could not hide underneath or behind anything.

There was a third inhabitant in the Common Room.

A bright red—from embarrassment or anger, no one could tell—faced girl with flaming red hair and sharp green eyes.

Um, Lily _Evans_?

**_BUGGER_**.

* * *

Author's Note:

Whew. **I will not be posting this up anymore if I do not get more than 5 reviews for this chapter. **It's simply too much to keep up with, since I have so many other stories to write.

And if this didn't satisfy you, go read **Bits and Pieces**.

It's loads better.

I think.

Review please!


	3. Chapter 3

**Odds and Ends **

By: neen

* * *

Yeah, not much of a Lily/James interaction thing. That's for **Bits and Pieces**, which I've really enjoyed writing! However, many issues will be dealt with here that are about her. It's supposed to be funny, but I dunno. This is more of a Marauders snapshot thing. Personally, I think **Bits and Pieces** is a bit better. AHEM. That is very blatant advertising to go read the thing. **BITS AND PIECES!** Haha, thanks for suffering through that! Enjoy!

* * *

"Um, hullo there, Lily!" James said overly casual, as if Sirius had not just shouted very private matters about him. "How are you this fine day?"

Lily's face was still reddening. In an uncanny strained and even voice, she asked, "Is it true?"

"Er, what?" James asked, feigning innocence. He felt his own face deepening in color.

"What Black said," Lily clarified in a persistent manner. "Is what he said true?"

"Erm, well—" James looked at Sirius for backup, and squinting, he saw that Sirius was quite far away, sprawled on the floor, playing dead. "_Typical dog_," James thought grimly and braced himself as he had to face Lily's wrath on his own. "Sometimes."

"_SOMETIMES_?" Lily exploded, patches of dark pink forming on her already pink cheeks. "What type of answer is that, Potter? Answer me!"

"Um, well, yeah, maybe a little," James mumbled incoherently, but Lily already guessed his answer correctly.

"POTTER, you _scum_! I've been looking for my favorite heart knickers for so long, and that is just _disgusting_!" Lily rambled on furiously, "And what Black said also answers why there was green slob on my shoe when I found it mysteriously under my bed!"

"Actually," James began, "it was some old gum that got stuck on it _somehow_ (definitely not because I was just snogging it feverishly) and then Padf—I mean, a stray, rabies-infested, freaky dog tried to slurp it up."

Lily narrowed her eyes at him. "I don't care, Potter. The main thing is that I think that you're _obviously _stalking me! I do not appreciate that, and I would greatly enjoy it if you'd stop it at once!"

"Now, Lily," James said genially, "that's not _really _stalking. It's more like an obsession. Crazed, fanatical obsession."

Lily, who feeling even more faint at these words, shook her head frantically. "No, _no_. I think that what I said about you stalking me sounds much better than this _crazed, fanatical obsession_. That's just weird."

James suddenly squealed as something came to him. "You've been _thinking_!"

Lily shot him an annoyed look. "No, **really**, Potter? I have no idea, considering the grades I make in my classes."

"No, no," James said, shaking his head, "You've been thinking."

He paused.

"About _me_," James finished with a smug smirk pasted on his face.

Lily furrowed her brow. "What are you possibly talking about? When did I say _that_?"

James grinned. "I _inferred _it. You said that you thought I was stalking you. Which means that you've been thinking about me."

Lily looked flabbergasted and at a loss for words when he declared this. "_It **was** true_," she grudgingly admitted in her mind, "_I **had **to have thought of him to make that conclusion…drat him_!"

James smirked as Lily battled within her mind, trying to think of something to say.

Then, a slow smile spread over her face, and she said wittily, "Well, _Potter_, it's nothing to _think_ about really…it's more of a mere fact, isn't it?"

And with those departing words, she left a dumbfounded James standing in the middle of the Common Room.

Sirius apparently woke up from the dead, and giving a sympathetic look at James, said, "Oy, sorry about that, mate. It's just that—well, it **is** Evans we're talking about. Feisty, she is!"

"Yeah," James agreed with a dreamy look on his face, "she's so feisty—_I like it_."

"Um, we're talking about a ferocious dragon that spits fire here? You're _attracted_ to her?" Sirius asked, an incredulous look on his handsome face.

"Oh," James frowned. "I thought we were talking about Lily."

Sirius banged his head on the wall. "Er, forget this, all right?"

"Okay."

"So you like her?" Sirius asked again.

"Yep."

Sirius breathed out a sigh of relief. "Oh, that's good. You know, I've been really worried these past days."

James gave him a puzzled look. "Why?"

"Well, about the whole one-foot-radius-circle thing…"

"Sirius, you prat! I **don't **like you like _that_!"

"Ohh. Okay."

"Good, you _finally _got it through your thick skull."

"So, you're sure about that?"

James gave an exasperated wave at the air. "_YES_, I'm sure!"

"Okay. That's just peachy!"

"Guess so."

"So—"

James cut in before Sirius could make another stab at whether or not James was attracted to him, "—_NO, I DO NOT LIKE YOU_, Padfoot!"

Sirius looked harassed. "I wasn't going to ask you that! I _was_ going to ask if you really liked _Evans_, you pillock!"

"Oh," James said sheepishly. "Well, yes, I do."

"Hmm," Sirius looked thoughtful. "Y'know, I think she rather hates you."

"You _think_?"

Sirius corrected himself. "No, I know."

James groaned in a depressed manner. "Life sucks. I think I'm going to write this Frannie bloke for help. Maybe he'll understand."

Sirius nodded in agreement. "Need my help?"

"Sure, as long as you're not at the opposite end of the room, in case you decide to scream out my most embarrassing moments once more," James said sourly.

Sirius grinned. "Of course, Prongsie! I learn from my mistakes."

James cast him a disbelieving look but shook his head nonetheless. He grabbed a fresh roll of parchment, and began for the fifth time.

"_Francesca Palooni,_

_There is a girl I greatly adore. Her name is Lily Evans. She is the most beautiful girl I've ever met. I constantly ask her out, but she always refuses. Worse, she thinks I'm a stalker. That can't be good, can it? What should I do, Bembles? _

_Your desperate friend,_

_James"_

Sirius scanned over the letter that James had just written. "Not bad. Mine was loads better, though, you must admit…"

James rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say, Padfoot. I'm owling this now."

With that said, he found Genitals, his owl.

_Genitals_?

Well, young James was in the process of naming his newly bought female owl Jennifer, when Sirius quite suddenly thumped him hard on the back when he was about to say the 'fer'. Out came '_dul_'.

So, Jenni-dul it was.

Sirius, being quite observant, quickly exclaimed with delight, "GENITALS!"

James was horrified at this name, but the newly named 'Genitals' owl hooted fondly and wouldn't answer to anything else.

So, Genitals she was called.

Genitals gave a comforting hoot and soared into the air very quickly, off to her destination, which oddly enough, seemed to be the boys' dormitory.

"Ah, fond memories, that owl," Sirius said with a breezy laugh as James scowled at him.

Two minutes later, Genitals came back, flying through the air. She settled importantly on James's shoulder and gave an important-looking ruffle.

Sirius bawled with laughter. "Bahah, James has genitals on his shoulder!" This particular comment drew many interested stares from the rest of the people now settling in the Common Room.

"Shut up, Padfoot," James growled as he took the neatly rolled up parchment from Genitals's leg.

James quickly read it, noticing the handwriting was vaguely familiar.

"_James,_

_It seems you do have quite a problem. My suggestion would be to be friendly to Miss Lily. Perhaps stop asking her out and try to be her friend first. As they say, friendship usually evolves into love. If you need any more help, feel free to owl me or ask a good, listening friend. I'm sure he'll be able to help you._

_The best of luck,_

_Francesca Palooni."_

Sirius gave a prod at the letter. "_See_? Now you see why I was so worried?"

"What?"

"It says here clearly, **_friendship usually evolves into love_**! Well, we're friends, aren't we?" Sirius asked impatiently.

James snorted. "So you were thinking I was in love with you or something, _Snuffles_?"

Sirius glared at James's use of his least favorite nickname. "I think I had good reason to, _Horsey_."

"Whatever, The-Thing-People-Use-Instead-of-Tampons."

"HEY!"

James smirked, and ignoring Sirius's outraged protests, left for the boys' dormitory to find one Remus Lupin.

* * *

Author's Note:

Okay, I lied.

The story's back, due mostly to _Sylvia Snape's _extremely long review that inspired me to write on this again. It made for like 20 reviews. Besides, this story is just fun to write.

So if you liked this story, go mail _Sylvia Snape _some love mail because she single-handedly brought it back from the piles of dust and grime undoubtedly sitting in my computer.

Thanks.

Review please!


	4. Chapter 4

**Odds and Ends **

By: neen

* * *

Yeah, not much of a Lily/James interaction thing. That's for **Bits and Pieces**, which I've really enjoyed writing! However, many issues will be dealt with here that are about her. It's supposed to be funny, but I dunno. This is more of a Marauders snapshot thing. Personally, I think **Bits and Pieces** is a bit better. AHEM. That is very blatant advertising to go read the thing. **BITS AND PIECES!** Haha, thanks for suffering through that! Enjoy!

* * *

"LOONY MOONY!" James sang out in a cheerful voice. "Up here, are you?"

Remus quickly hid the quill he had just been using. "Er, yeah! What's up, Prongs?"

"Oh, well, I just got some advice from this Palooni guy—hey, that's interesting!" James said, looking enthusiastic. "_Palooni_…kinda like Loony Moony! Ahaha, aren't I brilliant?"

Remus looked greatly uncomfortable. "Er, yeah, Prongs. Great, brilliant."

"Anyways," James continued, to Remus's great relief, "This Palooni bloke told me to go talk to my most listeningful friend, which, I think, would be you."

"Listeningful?" Remus furrowed his brow. "Don't you mean your 'best listening friend'?"

"Yeah, something along those lines," James said, and beaming, "See what I mean? You actually _listen_ to me!"

"Er, right." Remus could not quite bring himself to say that he had a knack of hearing grammatically wrong sentences. He had a feeling it was not the time to say that.

"Anyways, Mr. Palooni told me that I should talk about the whole Lily business with someone I could confide in," James said, looking rather grave.

"You chose me?"

James nodded. "So Lily overheard some er, _things _Padfoot said about me doing some interesting stuff to her possessions, and she now thinks I'm stalking her."

Remus sighed. "Well, that's not good."

"No, I don't think so either."

"Does this happen to regard those times you moaned under the covers and then emerged thirty minutes later with a pair of heart knickers that looked suspiciously like a girl's? And that other time when you were bent over on your bed making kissing noises and finally turned around, holding a high-heeled shoe with some green slob on it?"

"Well, er—maybe. But honestly, the gum was mine, but Padfoot slobbered over it when he was in his dog form. He had an itching for some spearmint gum. **_I_** don't slobber when I kiss."

"I'm sure," Remus said and sighed wearily. "So Lily thinks you're obsessively stalking her at the moment?"

"Er, yeah, that sounds about right."

"Hmm," Remus leaned back against the wall. "Well, _have_ you been stalking her?"

"Um, depends on how you define _stalking_," James mumbled, fidgeting slightly.

"Er, keeping a _very_ close eye on her almost all the time, knowing her whole schedule and somehow _always_ bumping into her during class changes, knowing random things about her that no one else except she knows about," Remus said, ticking off his definitions of stalking.

"Er," James scratched his head, apparently thinking. "Well, I like her, so yeah, I guess I do look at her a lot. She is hot, yes."

Remus shrugged. "Okay, that's not too bad. What about the other two?"

"Well, we do have _nearly_ the same classes," James said innocently, looking away as he said this. "It's quite normal to accidentally see her every time we change and talk to her a bit, isn't it?"

Remus gave a disbelieving look at James. "So you and her go the same way for Potions and Ancient Runes, do you? Potions, all the way down on the first floor, and Ancient Runes for her on the third story? Quite near, eh?"

James flushed. "Well, that one's a bit far off, yes, but I needed a bathroom break."

"There's a bathroom right outside the Potions dungeon," Remus said, looking like he was enjoying this.

"Okay, so maybe I do go out a little—" Remus scoffed at these words, and James furiously continued, "—a _lot_, but it's still all right, isn't it?"

Remus sighed once more. "Prongs, you're stretching it a lot."

"Well, would knowing that she likes to apply pineapple lip balm _before_ she puts on strawberry lip gloss somehow be under that third part of your definition?" James asked, giving a slightly worried look.

"Er," Remus looked alarmed at this new piece of information, "well, yes, I think so."

"Oh. But surely that Lily likes wearing a special purple hair tie every time she takes a Charms test for good luck wouldn't be under your definition of stalking?" James asked cheerfully, thinking that this _definitely_ wouldn't be considered stalking.

Remus backed away a few steps. "Er…d'you know her favorite color?"

"Red, though she tells people it's yellow because she doesn't want to seem conceited about liking the same color as her hair," James answered promptly, and to Remus's horror, correctly.

"Her favorite type of pizza?"

"Mushrooms with minimal cheese if she's on a diet. If not, extra cheese with mushrooms and a dash of pepperonis."

"Umm…" Remus looked quite startled. "—What abou—"

James cut in, adding to what he previously stated, "—oh, and when she's done, she likes to take the leftover crust part of the pizza and dip it into the garlic spread."

Remus was very worried when he heard this. "Why do I even associate myself with you?"

"What?" James asked, a note of panic rising in his voice. "That's not _stalking_, is it?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "_No_, of course not. You just seem to know every single piece of information regarding her life—probably even where she was bor—"

"Devon, St. Francis Hospital, Wing A, Cubicle #194," James interrupted, then hastily added, "Delivered by one Annabelle Morton."

Remus was _very_ worried at this point. In fact, he had succeeded in keeping quite a large distance between James and himself. He said loudly, looking highly disturbed, "I am going to pretend I didn't hear that bit of information, because that is not only extremely disturbing that you obtained such a fact, I am extremely concerned for Lily's well-being."

"Aww." James pouted, looking hurt. "I'm not _that _scary, am I?"

Remus sighed, probably for the fiftieth time today. A record, most likely. "Anyways. I can't believe I'm still going to help you after all this. I feel sorry for Lily, but—I suppose I'll have to help," Remus sighed. "First of all, try to be _friendly_, okay, Prongs? Do not act rash or advance towards her without her permission. Mind you, and be sure to keep this in mind, do not _ever_, and I mean **ever,**spout out any random facts about her to her face. That is one sure way to scare her of—are you even listening to me, Prongs?" Remus gave an impatient look at James, who seemed to be daydreaming. "_Prongs_?"

"Er—Lily?" James asked, looking around hopefully.

Remus sighed for the fifty-first time. This was a lost cause. "Lily would not be lurking in the boys' dormitory, I'm glad to say. It would be quite dangerous for her with imbecilic crazed pursuers around."

"Who?" James demanded, turning angry. "Who's after Lily? I'll do them in with a couple of hexes, maybe a curs—"

Remus shook his head. "_You_, Prongs."

"Er—what?" James asked, raising an eyebrow. "What about me?"

Remus groaned quite loudly. "How about you write this Francesca Palooni bloke?"

"Er—okay."

"_Later_, mind you. I don't want—I mean, _he_ doesn't want owls all the time, does he? Poor bloke, with such correspondents…" Remus said gruffly, looking slightly embarrassed.

James suddenly looked cheerful. "Yeah, that's right! I think I'll write him later in the day. I'm going to go downstairs now, Moony."

"Right, you do that," Remus said, and after James's figure departed through the door and down the stairs, Remus heaved a tired sigh.

Giving a small, irritated noise, he laid down on his bed and placed his head on his pillow, about to take a short nap. All this advice-talking was very tiring…and later he would have to answer those 'Frannie' letters. '_This was all Sirius's fault,_' Remus thought grimly and pulled the covers, feeling a draft. '_At least I get some sleep before I have to answer James_.'

Ahh, but what was that large tawny owl flying in, carrying, unmistakably a hastily rolled-up scroll?

With one look at it, Remus groaned, a headache coming on. Trying to ignore it, he turned over, but the persistent owl kept pecking Remus in the shoulder, who finally turned back around, only to be poked hard in the eye.

"_BLOODY OWL_! YEEOWWWWWWWWWWW!"

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Author's Note:

Sylvia Snape, you are _smart_. Congrats on the right guessing!

Thanks for all the reviews and support! Keep them coming.

Review please!


	5. Chapter 5

**Odds and Ends **

By: neen

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Yeah, not much of a Lily/James interaction thing. That's for **Bits and Pieces**, which I've really enjoyed writing! However, many issues will be dealt with here that are about her. It's supposed to be funny, but I dunno. This is more of a Marauders snapshot thing. Personally, I think **Bits and Pieces** is a bit better. AHEM. That is very blatant advertising to go read the thing. **BITS AND PIECES!** Haha, thanks for suffering through that! Enjoy!

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"_Francesca Palooni_,

_I have followed your advice and consulted with my very listening friend (at least, I think that's how he put it), Mr. Loony Moony. He was giving some shoddy advice so I decided to come back and ask you. Just kidding. I think he was just tired or something. Aaaanyways. my dear friend, Loony Moony, told me to write you again. I think he's taking a nap, that lazy arse. Har, har. Well, I think I'm supposed to be writing to you about my Lily problem again. Hmm. Well. Moony told me to be friendly towards her, but I can't help it…every time I see her, my hand gets magically magnetized to my hair, and I always give out a stupid, arrogant, prattish remark towards her. AND the fact that both Moony and Lily think I'm stalking her isn't making this any better. Please help me before I attempt to end my life by drowning myself in this tiny pot of ink. GUIRRRGLEEE, CHOKE, SPIT. _

_That was my first attempt. You have been warned, dear Frannie. Help me or…I will die trying. _

_YOUR BEST PEN PAL EVER! (EVEN MORE THAN SIRIUS BLACK, THAT PILLOCK)! _

_Jamessssss (that took a while to write out all those squiggly thingies also known as 's')"_

Remus sighed as he read through James's letter.

Suddenly, raging footsteps were heard as James busted through the door of the boys' dormitory. Remus, quickly, hid the parchment underneath the covers and Vanished James's owl, Genitals, and acted as if he had been sleeping very innocently all this time.

"MOONY!" James shouted, looking a bit breathless. Though he would never be _completely _breathless, seeing he was very fit and a Quidditch all-star. Anyways, back to what James was saying. "Did you just see Genitals fly up here?"

"Er—" Remus faked a yawn and shot James a weird, disturbed look before comprehension quickly came to him. "Your owl, you mean?"

"Yeah," James said, looking around eagerly, but no one else was up here. "I swear it came up here to deliver that letter I just wrote to the Palooni bloke…you wouldn't know who he was, would you?" James cast Remus a highly suspicious look.

"Erm, well," Remus said, squirming slightly and pushing his pillow underneath the covers as a result.

"Unless…_oh Merlin_!" James looked horrified and quickly pulled back the covers slightly to reveal the bulging _thing_ underneath the covers on Remus's bed. Remus looked harassed as he managed to slip the letter out of sight just as James jerked the covers off.

"_Oh_," James said, breathing a great sigh of relief. "For a moment there, I thought Mr. Pristine and Innocent Lupin had finally gave in to the indulges of mankind…and well, was _jerk—"_

"STOP!" Remus cried out loudly, drowning out whatever phrase James said afterwards. "My ears! My innocent, virgin ears!"

James looked at him. "Does that mean you haven't been given a wet willy?"

Remus groaned quite audibly. "_Prongs_. Honestly, it—AHHHH! WHAT IN MERLIN'S MAGICAL NAME ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?"

James had licked his finger and slobbered over it, and stuck it in Remus's ear as he was saying the word '_honestly_'. He grinned at the hassled looking Remus.

"Aha! Remus's ear isn't a virgin anymore! I just had _intercourse_ with REMUS LUPIN'S ea—"

"NO! PRONGS! _NO_!" Remus cried out in great disgust. "SHUT UP!"

"Aww, spoil sport," James said fondly and grinned even wider at Remus, who was looking quite sickened at all this talk.

"So, no Genitals?" James asked again, looking underneath the beds in the dorm, as if Francesca Palooni was hiding under them, and ready to jump out.

Remus, still thinking James was going on about his perverted ways, said very quickly, "_PRONGS_! I've had enough of all this sex, private body parts, and virginity talk!"

"No need to be shy about this topic, Moony. If you need to, we can have a man-to-man talk about this. It'll let you be more accepting. Anyways, it's all a very natural part of our lives as men. We're supposed to learn how to breed and fornicate as much as possible, and if it means playing with—"

"NO, NO, NO!"

"Fine," James grumbled, looking put down. "Well, if you happen to find a bloke named Francesca Palooni or Bembles running around stark naked, please inform me downstairs. Anyways, hope you have a nice time with your--"

"_Prongs_." Remus gave a very meaningful look at James who promptly shut up with a smirk.

"Have fun!" James said and quickly ran out in fear of being shouted at or worse, being pelted with Remus's belt, which oddly enough, had quite a few spiky things that made Sirius and James chortle with gales of laughter…that is, until they were at the receiving end of it, hit repeatedly by a furious-looking Remus.

Remus took out the letter and quickly scribbled something on the back.

"_James,_

_I will say this ONE TIME ONLY. Befriend the girl, you stupid troll. Perhaps she'll see the inner beauty in you, if you have any, that is. Then, maybe, if things have progressed, you can reach for farther things, such as a relationship. For now, do **not** count on it._

_I must say Mr. Sirius Black is looking to be quite a better correspondent than you. Kindly refrain from ever owling me again for your simple, dim-witted problems, unless Miss Lily has shown a clear change in heart with you. _

_Your very pissed-off former pen-pal until a later date, _

_Francesca Palooni."_

"That ought to get him off my back for a few days," Remus said grimly, knowing fully well that James would attempt another letter soon, even after this bashing. Shaking his head, he sneaked Genitals off the small window in the boys' dorm, hoping this time, for a good few minutes of well-earned rest.

He would be disappointed. Flocks of owls began to enter through the just-mentioned small, shabby window, nearly knocking Genitals out of his hands.

Hoots and screeches surrounded him, so much that Remus applied Silencing spells on all of them to keep them quiet. After letting Genitals off, Remus took the scrolls from the owls and set them free as well.

They were all from the same person. One Sirius Black.

"BLIMEY!" Remus gave a shout of irritancy as he opened up the four letters now sitting on his bed.

"_Frannie,_

_I've lost my pet bunny, Gingermelon! Actually, it's a stuffed animal, but I would say it's a pet, wouldn't you? I think he DIED. SNUFFED IT. If you could, _**please, oh _please_**, _organize and send out a mass search party to find my dearest beloved! I am currently sobbing my heart out and counting the days till dear Gingermelon and I reunite once more. _

_Yours forever and ever until death do us apart,_

_A very distressed but hott-buttocked Siri."_

Remus's eyes bulged at this disturbing letter. Turning it on the back, he wrote down (after quickly checking himself), "_Check under your pillow. Kindly clean off the drool on your pillow as well._"

The second letter:

"_BEMBLES_!

_I need a snog-tester. Mind if you helped me find one? If not, could **you** just do it for me? Thanks, I love you bunches and more! _

_I want to have your babies. Except I'm male…and I'm pretty sure you have a Y chromosome, so, that'd prove to be a bit difficult, wouldn't it? But, I'm sure we can figure something out if we put our hearts into it. _

_With great love and adoration,_

_(heart) Siri." _

Remus's eyes bulged even _further_ when he read this particular letter. Remus was very worried about Sirius now. Perhaps he…was in fact, gay?

Shaking his head wildly, Remus quickly wrote three big '**_NO_**'s on the back of the letters, not even bothering to read the last two. _'I'_, Remus thought grimly, '_do not need any more mind-disturbing and very nasty images or thoughts_.'

With a great heave, he used a Conjured up owl to deliver the letters back, and thinking hopefully that maybe, just _maybe_, he would get at least twenty-six more seconds of rest before being, undoubtedly, interrupted by more advice-seeking mail.

* * *

Author's Note:

Ah, poor Remus. What will he ever do?

Thanks for all the reviews and support! Keep them coming.

Review please!


	6. Chapter 6

**Odds and Ends **

By: neen

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Please go read my latest story **MARAUDERS 101**! That'd be greatly appreciated!

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Thanks, guys!

* * *

**LAST CHAPTER! SEE BELOW FOR MORE INFORMATION!**

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Within minutes of Remus's attempt to nap for the third time, there was a deafening thundering of footsteps on creaky wooden stairs.

Remus groaned. Why, oh why, did he have to live with such elephantine, obnoxiously loud people?

To his great dismay seconds later, he soon realized that it was not only _one_ pair of footsteps, it was actually two. _Great_.

"MOOOOOOOOOOONY!"

A second call of his name, "_MOONY, MOONY!_"

Remus groaned, perhaps even louder than before. "Right here. I'm right--"

The door to the boys' dormitory flung open with an extremely loud smack as it made contact with the wall. Remus winced as the hinges squeaked painfully, swinging back and forth.

"Yes?" Remus greeted irritably as soon as he saw his two correspondents standing side by side, both wearing quite different, even polar expressions.

"I'm looking for Gingermelon!" Sirius looked cheerful enough as he rummaged around his pillow and found it hiding underneath. With a joyous cry, he brought it to his face and cuddled it delicately. Then turning his gaze back to his pillow, saw the greening slobber on it and quickly wiped it off. After doing so, Sirius quickly ran over to Remus and gave him a bear hug. "I FOUND IT! _Gingermelon!_"

"Eurgh!" Remus cried out in disgust, wiping off the drool that Sirius had transferred to his robe sleeve. "_Honestly_, Padfoot!"

James on the other hand, looked exceedingly depressed and was moping around the room. "Moony, Palooni won't write me anymore." He said this with such a mournful air that Remus almost regretted writing so harshly in the latest letter.

"Er, and why ever not?" Remus asked, faking concern that James took genuinely.

"He hates me or something. I guess he was fed up with the constant owling, eh? I was just really enthusiastic," James said, frowning sadly.

"Erm, perhaps so," Remus said, looking rather uncomfortable. "He gave some last pieces of advice to you though, didn't he?"

"Yeah, he did."

"Are you going to take them?" Remus asked.

"Guess so."

"I think you should," Remus very subtly hinted.

"If you say so," James said half-heartedly and continued to walk about the room with his shoulders slouched over and a sad look on his face.

"_Ooh! **Ooh**_!" They were interrupted by an excited-looking Sirius who looked triumphant.

"Yes, we know you've found Gingermelon safe and sound," Remus said, looking annoyed. "Now, Prongs—"

"No, no," Sirius said, shaking his head. "It's just that I was having a bad day, and I was feeling quite down, so I wrote to Bembles and asked him things like, 'Do you not think I'm handsome?' and 'Do you not wish you could snog me senseless?', and he wrote back with three HUGE, **_NO_**s. What a great guy, that Frannie."

Remus looked appalled. "_What_?"

"What's the matter? You don't think Bembles is good? You have to write to himself yourself to see," Sirius said eagerly. "His name is Francesca Palooni. I found his card on my bed after the night Gingermelon disappeared—remember, when I was going on and moping? Well, he's the guy that brought me back! He works wonders."

Remus blanched. '_Bugger it. Bugger me for trying to be nice and giving so much advice_. _Most of all, bugger Sirius for having such weird sentence structures. Who writes in the negative these days?_'

"Er—that's all right," Remus said hastily. "I've been doing quite well lately, thanks."

Sirius was still grinning happily.

"You do know that er—Francesca was most likely kidding when he wrote that back?" Remus asked, looking at Sirius hopefully.

"Nah," Sirius beamed, "I'm pretty sure he's fallen madly in love with me due to my eloquent sentences and lovely letters."

Remus raised an eyebrow and asked in a hesitant tone, "Er—Padfoot, are you in fact—well, _gay_?"

Sirius frowned. "No! Where'd you get _that_ insane idea, Moony?"

Remus had breathed out a sigh of relief. "It's just that well, you were going on and on about how Francesca liked you, and well, I thought—"

"You thought wrong," Sirius said pleasantly. "I was merely trying to booster my self-confidence by making people of the _same_ sex fall passionately in love with me."

"Oh. That's an interesting way to er—increase your confidence."

"I know. Genius, aren't I?" Sirius asked haughtily, wearing a smug smirk on his lips.

Unexpectedly, James let out a boisterous wail of great sorrow. Remus started a bit, looking at James with widened, startled eyes. "Er, yes? What's the matter, Prongs?"

James had hidden his face with his hands and was sobbing bitterly. However, when his head popped back up, there were no tears shining on his face.

"It's just that—I dunno what to do!"

"_Prongs_, I thought Francesca wrote back with a plethora of advice?" Remus asked, looking quite exasperated.

"Well, yeah, but, I dunno," James replied stupidly, still looking very disgruntled.

"What," Remus asked, rubbing his temples furiously, nursing his newly activated headache, "the bloody hell was that incessant and unbearable sobbing for then?"

"Oh, I just needed to get it out of my system," James said very seriously and then abruptly stood up with a cheerful smile on his face. "I'm going to take his advice now. Wish me luck!"

Sirius stared after James in awe. "He is so—what's the word, Moony?"

"Spontaneous? Impulsive? Madcap? Reckless?" Remus listed quickly at the top of his head.

"Er, yeah, all of them suits him well, I reckon," Sirius said, nodding deeply at all four words.

"This might be the first time ever, but—I agree with you, Padfoot, I agree." Remus said, sighing.

"So, about this attraction that Frannie has for me…" Sirius started but was cut off by a panic-stricken shout made by Remus.

"No, _no_, he doesn't like you!" Remus said quickly and unnerved.

Sirius sniffed at the air with a disdainful manner. "And how would _you_ know?"

"Er, well—I write Francesca too," Remus hastily fibbed.

"Really?" Sirius asked, looking excited. "Does he seem to have the hots for you too?"

"Er—I dunno. I don't think so," Remus said, thinking how badly it would be if he liked _himself_.

"Oh," Sirius leaned back with a disappointed look.

Remus shook his head at Sirius's reaction. _Honestly_.

"By the way, I think I'm going to go and sneak around behind that Invisibility Cloak of his and see his progress," Sirius announced and quickly seized the filmy material from the trunk at the foot of James's bed, and hurriedly bounced through the door, leaving Remus, for once, to the hands of rest and peace.

"_Finally_."

**WHACK**. A miniature owl slammed into the side of Remus's head.

Rubbing his head tenderly, Remus opened up the letter in an irritated manner.

"_Bembles! _

_I'm going to inform you of my dear friend, Prongs (also known as James to you, of course!) and his progress concerning his favorite (and only) redhead, Miss Evans since you no longer wish to correspond with him. But I know you'll miss the gossip, so here I am, doing such a great deed! _

_Stay tuned! _

_-Your lover wizard, _

_Siri!" _

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Author's Note:

Ah, I do feel for Remus. The poor guy.

**THIS WAS THE LAST CHAPTER OF THIS STORY. **

**A SEQUEL (_ME, ADVICE-GIVER EXTRAORDINAIRE)_ WILL BE UP SHORTLY. **

****

**I just wanted to make the change into an all Remus-advice/owling story, so here goes! **

****

Thanks for all the reviews and support! Keep them coming.

Review please!


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